'I have gotten at least a grand worth of free food': Top 40 Secret Confessions of the Week (February 23, 2023)

Advertisement
  • 01
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My work have decided, due to their bills going up, it's no wage rises AND they're no longer providing tea and coffee supplies. So now we go about turning the heating up and opening windows. Two can play at that game.
  • 02
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Every Sunday I wage a silent battle with my husband over who is going to get up and make a cuppa. I'm often sure he's fake snoring, but I'm great at lying completely still until thirst gets the better of him
  • 03
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole To try and deter me from eating meat in the house, my vegetarian wife used to insist that I should only eat it if I was sharing some of it with the dog and cat. This used to really wind me up. But now they like me more than her, so I go out of my way to buy more meat than normal.
  • 04
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole One of the managers at work brings a toy cow called Derek to every online team meeting and makes us update him. At least 25% of the organisation is now in the Kill Derek secret WhatsApp group. An in person meeting is planned. Derek's days are numbered.
  • 05
    Cheezburger Image 9737553152
  • 06
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My wife is a data scientist and said I wasn't walking the dog enough and that she was doing most of them. Went through 12 months of our Strava stats and provided evidence that I was responsible for 60% of his walks. She threw a tantrum. Hasn't spoken to me in a week. I win.
  • 07
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole There is no greater shared joy than throwing your small kid really high and really far into a swimming pool. Do it now, while you both can, because I tried it again when he turned 14 and buckled myself with sciatica.
  • 08
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole : Snipped a few clinkers off the dog's al before we had a walk this morning; when I got back my wife was trimming the bacon fat using the same scissors. Now she's wondering why I'm only having Weetabix for breakfast.
  • 09
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My wife has given me the silent treatment for 2 weeks following a stupid arguement. She's waiting for me to apologise, I'm enjoying her not asking me to do jobs around the house way too much to even think about saying sorry.
  • 10
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My neighbour has a big tree in his garden which spoils my view. I phoned the council pretending to be him and wanting it cut down. Came home from work a week later and they'd been and cut it down. Excellent job guys.
  • 11
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole First trip abroad to meet my boyfriend's family I blocked the toilet and broke the toilet seat - two separate events. He came to my aid and unblocked the toilet, and then took the rap for the broken seat when the family blamed him. Reader, I married him.
  • 12
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My ex-husband cheated on me. When I divorced him, he told me I was too ugly to find someone else and that I would be alone for the rest of my life. The next day, I fed one of his friends. The day after, I f led his other friend.
  • 13
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole : Each time we don't get an inflation equaling pay rise, I do the percentage difference less work. I now spend just over 2 hours a day watching Netflix instead of actual work up. No one has noticed yet.
  • 14
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... When I was young, my parents had a small carriage clock. When their backs were turned, I used to move the clock on a few minutes. Eventually they paid a clock specialist to repair it. Of course nothing was wrong with it, but I cost my parents money they could ill afford. A hole.
  • 15
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole : My partner insists on having expensive Lurpak butter. I've be buying the cheapest spread I can find and refilling a Lurpak tub for two years. They've never noticed the difference or the expiry date.
  • 16
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I know my partner is taking me to Rome as a surprise for my birthday. She put the flights in our shared calendar. I haven't the heart to tell her I know, because she loves surprising me.
  • 17
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I like to pretend I am a highroller by shopping online for first- class airline tickets and expensive suites in the worlds most expensive hotels. I like to see them in the checkout and imagine what it would be like if I could afford to click pay.
  • 18
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I once dated a girl with slightly prominent front teeth. Making plans to hook up one night I texted her 'see you later honey'. Predictive text changed it to 'see you later goofy'. Pressed send before realising. Never heard from her again.
  • 19
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... My house is close enough to a chain restaurant that I check in on their app every day. This allows me to play trivia games and rack up points. I have gotten at least a grand worth of free food the past few years.
  • 20
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole A uni mate of mine works on University Challenge. Every weekend he sends me the questions for the Monday so when I sit down with the missus to watch it, she thinks I'm a proper genius.
  • 21
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I work an irregular pattern as I'm self employed. Me and my wife moved out of London a couple years ago. Ever since, around once a month I pretend I'm working, go into London and sit in coffee shops and my old favourite pubs. She'd divorce me if she knew.
  • 22
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My long-term girlfriend loves to collect rare £2 coins, like her late Father did. Whenever I receive them in change and they have an unusual pattern, I give them to her. However, I usually just buy the cool and rare ones on eBay to see her excitement when she sees them.
  • 23
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I love my dog to bits but resent him due to the travelling I now can't do
  • 24
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole : I often fake emails I should have sent weeks ago. Write what you should have written but send it to yourself, then forward it, after changing the headers etc to the time & date you should have sent it. Include a message such as "Did you have any thoughts on my previous email?"
  • 25
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When I'm driving, I sometimes like to pull ridiculous faces and hold them as long as possible
  • 26
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Seen a big web recently in our shed. I enticed the spider out and felt sorry for it, it looked malnourished and was never getting fed in there, every morning I get up 30 mins earlier and catch bugs and feed him. He's got much bigger and I feel fully responsible for it now.
  • 27
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My wife is a recorder teacher - her occupation is the number one reason I'm leaving her.
  • 28
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I snuck into the building attic of my Irish secondary school and dumped a tonne of red food dye into the main cistern. They shut down the school for two days because the taps and toilets were running red. Two days off, never caught.
  • 29
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I lost a tooth in maths class, bored I played with it and lodged it into a lid from a pen I borrowed. Wasn't coming back out. Scared of being done for pen stealing I put the lid back on the pen, and returned it to the box. Whoever borrowed that pen next, sorry.
  • 30
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole A while back a mate won a goldfish in the local fair. The first weekend I agreed to look after it as he was on hols. It died within hours of me being in charge. I bought another one from local pet shop for £1. I never told him. It's still alive today. The fair was in 1999.
  • 31
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Graphic designer by trade. I produce fake covers for novels that don't exist - Harry Potter 9, Thursday Murder Club 4 etc - and stick them to whatever book I'm reading on the train. If anyone asks, I beg them not to tell anyone as the book is secret and not published yet.
  • 32
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Just found out that two of our oldest friends are getting divorced, even though we all thought their marriage was rock solid. Turns out my instinctive emotional response to this news is envy. I haven't told my spouse this.
  • 33
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When I was 8 I was scared of flying, so when it was announced we were going abroad for our holiday, I ate the metal piece on a pencil that holds the rubber thinking it'd trigger the metal detector and we'd have to stay home.
  • 34
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole After much agonising we had our beloved, but heavily incontinent, family cat put to sleep. Shortly afterwards we discovered we had a leaky washing machine and carry the guilt to this day. RIP Tiger
  • 35
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole The old lady over the road from me has dementia. For nearly 5 years I've been calling her June. Found out a few weeks ago her name is actually Trudy. That can't have been helping.
  • 36
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole : My teens eat snacks faster than I can blink and often enough they leave none for me. So I hide a secret stash for myself in the vegetable drawer of the fridge, often under a bag of lettuce or something like that. That's the one place they'll never look when they get hungry.
  • 37
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I once spent 20 minutes looking for my phone using the light on my phone.
  • 38
    Cheezburger Image 9737552896
  • 39
    Cheezburger Image 9737553408
  • 40
    Cheezburger Image 9737553664

Tags

Scroll Down For The Next Article